Oklahoma Rejects Sharia Law

   

There's no denying it: I love Rachel Maddow. Our affair began a year ago when I first gazed into her gorgeous brown eyes. I was captivated by her smile and smitten by her intelligence, her eloquence, and her wondrously incisive wit. She is a rational voice in a political wilderness. Together, we have laughed and cried to the cadence of pre-election polling.

Our love affair, however, almost ended last week. On three consecutive nights, Ms. Maddow spoke derisively about my home state of Oklahoma. She poked fun at a question on the Oklahoma State ballot -- the question of whether Oklahoma should adopt Sharia Law:

STATE QUESTION NO. 755 

This measure amends the State Constitution...It forbids courts from using Sharia Law... Sharia Law is Islamic law. It is based on two principal sources, the Koran and the teaching of Mohammed.

*** 

I am a model citizen. I always vote. I take state questions seriously. Knowing that I would have to vote for or against Sharia Law, I studied the subject intensively. I didn't want to enter the polling booth uninformed. As you might guess, I was incensed by Ms. Maddow's dismissive attitude toward our state ballot. Her commentary was laced with sarcasm. Sarcasm is fine if Sharia is not on your ballot, but I didn't have that luxury. I had to educate myself to determine if the Law was right for Oklahoma. Here's what I learned:

1. Women are required to wear a burqa in public.

My first impression was that this is sexist and oppressive. Frankly, if I were living in New York or California, I would reject Sharia on this premise alone. But I live in Oklahoma where this is considered feminine attire:

Surely we can agree that the burqa has its proper place.

2. Thieves get their hands cut off.

This is gruesome, but as long as white-collar thieves are included, I'm for it. Who knows, maybe the law could be modified to ensure that the number of organs removed is proportional to the amount of money stolen. Petty thieves would lose a finger; Bernard Madoff would lose four limbs and his testes.

3. Gamblers get whipped.

This would be a problem in Oklahoma, where gambling ranks between football and noodling as a pastime.  Frankly, I'd be happy to see an end to gambling, as this would reduce poverty. (Besides, noodling is infinitely more fun!)

Clearly, Sharia Law has its merits, but is it good for Oklahoma?

To answer that question, I reflected on something I had learned from Sharron Angle (the Republican candidate from Nevada) during her senatorial campaign. In an interview, she explained that Dearborn, Michigan, was already under Sharia Law. Therefore, I needed to know which city was faring better -- Dearborn under Sharia Law or Oklahoma City under American Law.

I went to "Google" and did my research. Here's what I found: Dearborn has a better school system, a stronger economy, and a finer health care system. Obviously, Sharia works. My mind was made up: I was voting for Sharia.

Election day arrived. I went to the polls and stood in line. In front of me was a young man whistling a tune. He seemed cheerful and knowledgeable, and so I struck up a conversation with him.

"Well, looks like we've got a question on Sharia," I began. "I've been reading about it. Seems to have some merits."

The man stopped whistling. At first he looked puzzled, then angry.

"Do you realize that Sharia calls for the execution of gay people?" he inquired.

I was stunned. "What!" I exclaimed. "I had no idea!"

"It's true," he continued. "Sharia would mean the death of thousands, not to mention the end of musical theater."

"Oh my!" 

"Fortunately, Sharia cannot be imposed."

"Why not?"

"Because Oklahoma is part of the United States despite several attempts at secession. We're under the U.S. Consitution, which protects us from Sharia."

"Thank goodness!" I exclaimed. "But if Sharia can't be imposed, why is it on the ballot?"

"It's a cynical attempt to score political points at the expense of Muslims," he replied.

"That's terrible!"

"It certainly is." 

I was impressed by his insight and perspicacity. "You know, you're a very smart young man," I said.

"Thank you," he replied. "I've learned a lot from Rachel Maddow."

***

That evening, I turned on the television. Rachel was discussing the election with extraordinary aplomb. Her smile was incandescent, her wit was sharp, her eyes were large and beautiful. There she was -- festooned with facts, figures, and a dazzling personality -- leading her viewers forthrightly through the dense political thicket.

At that moment, I knew I was still in love with Rachel.

Maybe someday she'll come to Oklahoma. If she does, I'll make every effort to meet her. We'll talk politics. We'll discuss the economy. Maybe even go noodling.